The slow murder of a woman…..

“My husband is controlling, jealous, and an alcoholic. He has me so scared that I can’t even look another guy in the eye. I love my husband but I can’t stand living like this any more. He drinks 9-12 beers a night. His controlling is causing us to fight all the time. I always tell him that if he would relax our relationship would be happier. I hate to come home from work and walk around on eggshells. What can I do? I want out yet I know that he is a good man. He can be very loving when he wants to be but the next second he can change. I am so confused. I don’t know what to do. Can someone help me?”

Things I want to say to younger people…….

 

Your parents are the most important people you will ever know. Get things right with them, and you’ll be poised for success.

 

By “right” I mean embark on the ongoing journey to develop your skills by loving, honoring, enjoying, and negotiating with them.

If you don’t, if you settle for on-going conflict, you will probably spend a lifetime engaged in conflicts large and small with others, especially with those whom you love.

Your parents are the springboards for everything.

Treat them well.

Of course I am well aware that not all parents are committed to their children or deserve the kind of respect and effort I am suggesting.

In very unusual circumstances, parents have been particularly evil. This is so unusual and I’d encourage young people from such families to communicate with me directly.

Yes. Your imperfect mother and father, with all their faults and failings, are the perfect training ground for you to learn and discover almost everything you need to know about how life works.

Get what you can, while you can – in faith, in humility, and with grace.

The rewards are timeless.

You’d be amazed at the power of politeness. By this I mean expressing genuine care and awareness of others.

Saying “please” and “thank you” and “may I help you” and “is there anything you’d like to tell me” is like dropping a drawbridge for goodness to pour in and out of your own life.

While it’s unwise to be polite simply for the return (that’s an advanced form of manipulation) genuine care and politeness will re-ignite something good in you that is tough to stop.

Asking people of all ages about their days, really taking an interest in others and in developing your manners will not only distinguish you from others who are your age, but it will give you a taste of the beauty of life that is quite astounding.

Listening, asking polite questions, following up with appropriate questions, learning the art of NOT making every conversation about you and your interests will open your heart to a world the self-centered cannot see.

Try it. Use your parents for target practice. Even if you fake it you might awaken some dormant goodness and kindness that’s been hiding beneath your possibly surly surface since you hit your teen years, and you might be more than overwhelmed at the results.

You are stronger, more resilient, flexible, and adaptable than you probably realize. At the same time you are more vulnerable, weaker than you could ever imagine.

This is one of life’s many and glaring contradictions.

The more you search for certainty, for something to be either black or white, right or wrong, the more you will alienate yourself from the beauty of not knowing, and the beauty of a world that is magnificently and mysteriously ambiguous.

In your strength, take full responsibility for yourself, your future, your education, your work ethic, and your day-to-day attitude. Live above blaming the “new South Africa” or the “old South Africa” for the way things are. The “new” you rests with you. Your full potential and your strength and beauty will be blemished if you blame others or build a life in reaction to anything or anyone.

In your weakness and vulnerability, embed yourself into a community of diverse people. Find a place within a group where you can learn from your elders. Find a group where you can be deeply known – and stick with it. Stick with it for years.

Your youthful invincibility and your human vulnerability are dueling realities within you. Enjoy both.

We are all “less human” when we want one without the other.

There is nothing in alcohol, a cigarette, or in anything you can smoke, inhale, snort, inject that you need, or will be of long-term benefit to you. Don’t begin behaviors legions are trying to overcome. If it makes slaves of millions and messes with your still-forming brain, why start it? This is the ultimate stupidity.

I am aware that people become addicts for complex reasons. Nonetheless, the formula is simple: if you stay away from addictive activities they won’t take hold of you, whip you around for the rest of your sad, painful life.

If you don’t start, you won’t have to stop. You won’t have to go to rehabilitation and sit for hours in little groups nodding your head, listening to others ramble and ache for sobriety.

Addictions are wild dogs. They travel in packs. They fight among themselves. They are vicious, conniving. Yet, oddly loyal – not to you, but to each other. Crudely, they gang up against you and will not let go until you are devastated, broke, or dead. Yes. Dead.

You will hardly ever find a person who is addicted to only one substance or one addictive activity. They travel in packs. Beware of the Wild Dogs.

 

Love is not possessive, not even momentarily. Don’t fall for the lines of anyone who “loves” you and wants to control you. It’s usually nonsense like, “I can’t live without you and I am jealous because I love you so much.”

While it may seem insignificant, always keep the power of what you wear to yourself. Except for your parents, don’t give it to anyone. This is much more than about the choice of shirt or blouse. It demonstrates that you have boundaries. If you hold onto this power you will be able to “hold onto yourself” when you face other important power plays you will face.

Asserting your boundaries will quite naturally fend off less healthy people – people who measure their importance, and often measure love, by how much sway and influence they have over others. They will be disinclined to mess with you once they know you make all decisions regarding your life, how you dress, and how you behave.

 

Controlling people do so because they can. They will keep a healthy distance from those who will not play their games – which is, of course, exactly what you want.

Letters to the young (2 of 5)

You’d be amazed at the power of politeness. By this I mean expressing genuine care and awareness of others.

Saying “please” and “thank you” and “may I help you” and “is there anything you’d like to tell me” is like dropping a drawbridge for goodness to pour in and out of your own life.

While it’s unwise to be polite simply for the return (that’s an advanced form of manipulation) genuine care and politeness will re-ignite something good in you that is tough to stop.

Asking people of all ages about their days, really taking an interest in others and in developing your manners will not only distinguish you from others who are your age, but it will give you a taste of the beauty of life that is quite astounding.

Listening, asking polite questions, following up with appropriate questions, learning the art of NOT making every conversation about you and your interests will open your heart to a world the self-centered cannot see.

Try it. Use your parents for target practice. Even if you fake it you might awaken some dormant goodness and kindness that’s been hiding beneath your possibly surly surface since you hit your teen years, and you might be more than overwhelmed at the results.

1

Letters to the young…..

Your parents are the most important people you will ever know.

Get things right with them, and you’ll be poised for success.

By “right” I mean embark on the ongoing journey to develop your skills by loving, honoring, enjoying, and negotiating with them.

If you don’t, if you settle for on-going conflict, you will probably spend a lifetime engaged in conflicts large and small with others, especially with those whom you love.

Your parents are the springboards for everything.

Treat them well.

Of course I am well aware that not all parents are committed to their children or deserve the kind of respect and effort I am suggesting.

In very unusual circumstances, parents have been particularly evil. This is so unusual and I’d encourage young people from such families to communicate with me directly.

Yes. Your imperfect mother and father, with all their faults and failings, are the perfect training ground for you to learn and discover almost everything you need to know about how life works.

Get what you can, while you can – in faith, in humility, and with grace.

The rewards are timeless.

I take a counter view…….

A man responds to the column of April 22, 2013 about being a stepfather…..

“You are correct. You will never replace you step children’s father. The children did not ask for the divorce or for you to be in their lives. Their mother will never put you ahead of her children, nor should she.”

I hear often that a mother will never place the new husband (in fact even the children’s father) before the children.

This is often touted as “good mothering.” While no counselor would suggest a parent ought to neglect children, there is a distinct difference between being a parent and a partner. It is a very healthy parent who exercises the difference.

There are conditions under which it is a healthy for parents to allow their primary commitment as a spouse to take priority over their commitments as a parent. Yes, you read correctly!

Just as it is a travesty to neglect a child, it is also a travesty to neglect a spouse, especially in the name of “putting the children first.”

I’ve seen parents hide behind “putting the children first” as a means to avoid the bravery required to be a full and functioning partner.

Sometimes it’s good for children to be in second, even third, or fourth place!

A week at a time……

At least for this week….

1. Listen more than you speak. Really listen. This means you are not waiting to speak, or formulating your rebuttal, or accessing your “better story” while others are talking. The ONLY evidence of love is that you listen. Take note of the many times people “one-up” each other with stories, shift the focus onto themselves, or maneuver a conversation into their control. Don’t do any of this – at least not this week.   
2. Tell the truth with love and compassion. Sometime this means keeping very quiet. Sometimes it means boldly speaking out. Let your words heal and encourage – at least this week. 
3. Examine how you spend your money. Are you getting yourself deeper in debt, or closer to financial freedom, as a result of the use of how you use this money at this time? How you use every cent has the power to take you in one direction or another. Examine your spending – at least for this week.
4. Embrace downward mobility – seek to serve rather than be served, seek to honour others rather than to be honored. Get over yourself so that you become a useful member of your community rather than trying to make it all about you – at least for this week.        

Dangerous relationships…..

Dangerous relationships….

1. He tells you how to dress and gets all moody if you don’t obey.
2. He stares you down and calls you stupid.
3. He tells you when you are hungry and what you should eat.
4. Small differences become huge conflicts and escalate in a flash.
5. He is different in public – most people would never guess he has a violent side.
6. He quotes the Bible but only a verse that “demands” your obedience.
7. He tells you he knows you better than you know yourself.
8. He lies and expects you to lie for him.
9. He has moments of white hot anger, even if the dog won’t obey.

10. He keeps you away from your extended family.

11. He takes your keys or purse and he’s been physically threatening.

12. He accuses you of unfaithfulness.

13. He checks up on you and tells you jealousy and love go together.

14. He hates or rejects a lot of people and thinks most people are idiots.

15. In the rare event you drive him, you’d think he was behind the wheel.

 

Before I am blasted with Emails telling me women can also be dangerous, the overwhelming reality is that it is usually men who are.

How some letters arrive…..

HUSBAND N I SEPERATED BECOUSE OF PARENTS HE LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS I LIVE WITH MINE AND MY DAUGHTER WE ONLY GET TO SEE HIM ON WEEKENDS AND THAT TO HE WORK AN SO DO I WE FIGHT ALOT BECOUSE HE RATHER US COME WEEKENDS AND WE SPEND TIME AT HIS MUMS THAN US FINDING A PLACE TO STAY AS A FAMILY HE SAYS IM UNFAIR AND SELFISH IF I HAVE CLOTHS TO WASH N CANT MAKE TO GO BY HIM AND HE DOESNT LIKE THE IDEA OF HIM COMING TO SEE US BECOUSE HIS PARENTS DNT GET TO SPEND TIME WITH MY DAUGHTER HE RATHER THEY SPEND TIME WITH HER THAN WE HAVING A FAMILY DAY OUT TOGETHER

I have not “fixed” the above letter. I have published it exactly as received. I want my treasured readership to see how many, far from all, letters arrive most days.

To the careless writers:

Using all capital letters does not get my attention. It blinds me. The only reason I don’t delete your letter is because I know you are in pain.

Some punctuation, even a comma or two, might clarify your meaning.

If you are careless writing to a stranger, I wonder how you treat those whom you say you love.

Kind in public, abusvie in private

“My spouse is verbally abusive, short tempered, and critical of me but only in private, and then as sweet as can be to me in public and to strangers. I have put up with it for years. Surely those we are closest with should get the best treatment? What should I say? I am called sensitive, over-reactive, and thin-skinned if I say anything about it at all.” (Edited)

Your spouse has appeared to objectify you and is unhappy with the performance of that object. He or she appears to regard you as a possession, perhaps as a car or an appliance that does not quite meet expectations.

Every time you put up with the abuse you are not “being sensitive, over-reactive, and thin-skinned,” you are agreeing to be a victim. You are agreeing with your spouse’s perception of you as something to be treated as desired.

Until you stand up for yourself, until you do something most unusual, until you rock and roll when your spouse has become accustomed to leading you in a waltz, the dance will remain the same and you will be a victim for the rest of your life.

Be sure I am not blaming you for the abuse, but I am holding you accountable for accommodating it.

Why do men do this?

“I am recently divorced and had a relationship with an athlete for 4 months. He was very keen in the beginning. I had to put on the brakes as I don’t rush into matters. He was just three weeks out of a relationship himself and I could not understand why he was in such a hurry! He lives about 45 minutes away but would never visit me. I had to go to his place. Then he mistreated me, and said I had a bad attitude and was far too sensitive! Before this he called less frequently and the invitations were less frequent. I discovered he was seeing someone else. Why do men do this? I really feel used and abused!”

Four things:

1. Not all men do this. While you are willing to spend another minute with one who has already mistreated you, you will keep meeting such men.
2. The first red flags waved when he expected you to do all the driving. If it is not mutual, respectful, and equal it is not worth having.
3. Forget trying to understand him. It is no longer your business. Try to understand healthy men – study strength, not pathology.
4. Forgive yourself. You blew it. Learn and move on.