Partner abuse

by Rod Smith

(Published in THE MERCURY, 05/18/06)

Partner abuse is not restricted to physical abuse. This is misleading. Emotional and psychological abuse, while not requiring visits to the hospital, can be as equally devastating as domestic violence. It (emotional abuse) IS also Domestic Violence.

If your relationship drains your self-esteem, isolates you, feels more like a prison sentence than a loving relationship, it is likely you are in a controlling, abusive relationship.

If any one of the following is true I’d suggest you get immediate outside help:

1. When you talk about your feelings your partner railroads the discussion and gives you no time to think or express yourself.

2. You can’t discuss what is bothering you for fear of things getting out of hand.

3. Your partner criticizes, humiliates and undermines you.

4. He or she ridicules you when you express yourself and ridicules your family and friends.

5. He or she keeps you “in line” by withholding money, the car, the phone.

6. He or she has stolen from you and run up debts for you to handle.

7. He or she has thrown away or destroyed things that belonged to you, opens and reads your mail, checks your phone bill and reads your emails.

8. You are often afraid of the person you are supposed to be closest to.

18 Responses to “Partner abuse”

  1. Just as there is Prevention of Domestic violence Act (for women)

    one should be made for MEN as follows : Prevention of Domestic Violence (For MEN)

    All wifes that satisfy the following criteria should be booked under the Prevention of Domestic Violence Act (For Men) and must be jailed for upto 2 year but not less than 6 months and fined.

    1. If a man comes home fatigued from the dayâ`s work and wife does not offer a cup of tea (or what ever he wants) and mental support, it is cruelty (towards him)

    2. If a man wants to retire from work and settle down peacefully , but is unable to do so, due to financial pressure of supporting wife and kids, it is cruelty towards the man.

    3. If man wants sexual satisfaction and the wife does not offer for no legitimate reason, it is physical and mental cruelty.

    4. If the wife has not revealed any hidden deceases she has before marriage,it is cruelty and breach of trust towards the husband

    5. If after marriage wife claims to have married for the sake of her parents,it is mental abuse.

    6. IF the husband want to rest after a long days work and wife forces him to go to some function/outing, it is physical and mental cruelty towards husband.

    7. If wife does not provide husband with food he likes, it is mental and physical abuse.

    8. If wife is given to pinching, piercing the husband over petty reasons, it is physical cruelty.

    9. If wife flies into anger and threatens to do a 498A case on the husband : it is intimidation, and mental cruelty.

    10. If wife calls her relatives frequently thereby not allowing the husband to rest in his own home it is mental torture and abuse.

    11. If wife demands more than necessary (to run the house) money from husband, it is economic abuse of the husband

    12. If wife nags him, or insults him or his parents, it is emotional abuse

    13. If wife wants his parents to stay away and cannot serve them sincerely, it is emotional and mental abuse.

    14. If wife does not satisfy his wishes meant for the welfare of the whole family, it is mental abuse

    15. If wife aborts kids when husband wants them, it is emotional abuse

    16. If husband does not want to buy articles of luxury and wife forces him to buy these (for status or whatever reasons) it is economic abuse

    17. IF wife forces husband to pay for any medical or other expenses of her natal family member it is economic abuse.

    18. If wife taunts him or discourages him or humiliates in private or public,it is verbal and emotional abuse

    19. If wife uses bad words against him or his relatives it is verbal abuse

    20. If wife suddenly departs to visit any function or goes to her natal home against husband`s wishes, it is emotional abuse.

    21. If wife does not entertain his friends who come to meet them in good faith, it is cruelty towards husband

    22. If husband loses his job or a very good opportunity due to constant nagging from wife, she is said to have done emotional , and verbal abuse to him

    23. If wife hurts kids to satisfy her anger towards husband, it is emotional and mental cruelty to the husband.

    24. If wife does not allow husband to meet kids, it is emotional abuse

    25. If wife forces husband to pay for her personal expenses and does not account for them or prove that they are sensible and required for her well being, it is economic abuse.

    26. If wife cannot provide comfort and relief to husband, it is emotional abuse of the husband

    27. If wife forces her life style on the husband, against his wishes, it is emotional and mental torture to the husband.

    28. Any wife who verbally, emotionally or otherwise abuses elder parents and all dependants of husband is said to have done emotional torture to the husband

    29. Any wife who forces decisions on the husband which will cause him to stop supporting his elderly parents should be treated as abuse by the wife

    30. If the wife refuses to cook food and feed husband and his family, it is mental and physical abuse to the husband and his family.

    31. If wife is found to have any relations with other men, it is emotional abuse of the husband.

    32. If parents of husband are suffering from some illness and wife does not serve and protect them, it is emotional torture of the husband and his parents.

    33. If anyone o the family suffers any type of abuse due to wife, it is abuse towards husband.

    34. IF the wife spends too much on entertainment, and luxury, it is economic abuse of the husband

    35. If wife calls husbandâ`s loved ones or husband names and taunts him, it is mental cruelty. In all above cases, the husband must be granted immediate relief from the marriage and wife should be jailed and made to pay damages. Wife should be assumed to be guilty till proven innocent. This crime should be considered non-billable, cognizable and non-compoundable.

    • It is people like these that have hijacked marriage.
      All that this person is expecting is what a servant does, not a wife.
      A wife takes care of her household and her husband out of love. It is not her duty. She does it out of care. She is not obligated to do it.
      A women also has feelings. Marriage requires effort and commitment from both sides.

      If not getting a cup of coffee amounts to mental torture, this person has to be worshipped!!

  2. Family violence is on the rise and something must be done about it. It starts with awareness of the scope and severity of the problem. Raising community awareness is crucial. As the inventor of blog ‘n’ roll, I feel that it is my responsibility to do my part in raising community awareness about spousal and partner abuse with this blog ‘n’ roll internet hit song of mine:

    Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Jones
    words and music by Dr. BLT (c)2006
    http://www.drblt.com/music/MRSJones.
    mp3

    Bruce
    aka
    Dr. BLT
    The Original Blog ‘n’ Roller

  3. …… this post gets an unbelievable amount of traffic —- it is a hurting world — I do not endorse some of the responses but leave them on the site for your information……. Rod Smith

  4. …”if wife”…”if wife”……..So your supper wasn’t ready at 5:00 and that’s cruelty? So wife calls home and that’s cruelty? So wife doesn’t entertain YOUR friends and that’s cruelty? Look, you have a few good points, especially where equal access to children is concerned, but the rest simply makes you sound like a self-centred, self-committed, spoiled baby who irrational expectations that a one-sided relationship “should” work. What works one way, works both ways – for both wife & husband, buddy! Any relationship which lacks mutual respect, a committment to problem resolution and the understanding that people (and relationships) are not perfect is doomed. Any person who expect another person to “make” them happy needs a Copernicus revelation…..the world doesn’t resolve around your needs buddy. Take responsibilty for your part of the relationship, get out of victim mode, and move on!
    -Heco

  5. You do realize, Heco, that the person responding to the post does not share the views of the writier of the original post. I left it on here to illustrate how dis-eased some thinking really is…… Rod Smith

  6. Thanks for the post on Partner Abuse, Rod! I think that every work place, library, grocery store, etc. should have that posted.
    Being ACOA as well as an adult survivor of sexual abuse I allowed myself to be subject to emotional and psychological abuse for years, knowing deep in my heart that something was wrong, but never having the acknowlegement. Finally,several years ago, at age 35 a female co-worker, who was also a survivor began to share her story with me. After several months of encouragement from her I finally sought help from a therapist. It’s a long journry!

  7. my name is bindiya.i hail from a traditional indian famaily.got married when i was 29 years old.he was a cardiac anethesiaist.before marriage they demanded a hefty sum of money becoz of which i refused to marry him.However my parents wnted that I get married to this guy.so the marriage was conducted .Then started his torture.It was mental and physical.My parents could not understand why he was acting in this manner.i knew but i had accepted everthing and started loving him.He started breaking my confidence to do any work.Then my ………Ego……………….My parents got me back home.now i am working hard to get back to my normal self.Should i go back to my husband or live a life alone………

  8. I am married since 4 years. My husband is a neuoropsychologist working in the US. I’m in India. He has tested my patience enough by asking me to wait until he finished his Ph.D, then resume the relationship. 3 years gone by. Now,I waited for him being separate. Now he says he wants a divorce. I am just pissed off. He has made use of my love and affection towards him. How can I teach him a lesson. can I get back to him? kindly reply

  9. Dear Mr. Smith,
    Please make a correction in your post. Emotional and phsychological abuse is not AS equally devastating as a domestic violence, it IS domestic violence. I work for social services; and it is very important that people understand and don’t underestimate this concept.
    thank you,
    Zoya.

  10. correction, “psychological”, please excuse the typo.
    Zoya.

  11. … I shall do it right away, Zoya, and thanks for your help……. Rod

  12. I would like to share my poem because at 37 I can relate to many of these opinions..I am a statistic in so many ways..sexually abused as a child, physically and financially abused by my husband…I see that I have been co-dependant and what I feel is a real loss…I dont believe in any higher power which always seems to be the answer to everything..I did write this about 8 months ago and I still cant do it….But it helps and I hope it will help someone else…

    Look at My Past, See It All the Way Through,
    That “Nice Guys Finish Last”, I’m Proof That it’s True,
    “Do Onto Others as You Would Have Them Do Onto You”
    This Was My Motto, My Outlook, My Constant Point of View.

    Being So Generous, Listen, It Doesn’t Pay,
    ‘Cause When it is your Turn, Believe Me, They’ll Be Looking Away
    I am Not Saying to be Evil, or Unkind,
    But Try to Protect Yourself, Just Keep It in Mind.

    Don’t Be Selfish, But Don’t Be a Fool,
    Write Down Your Guidelines, Your Limits, to Use as a Tool,
    You Don’t Need to Anaylse…Or Understand,
    Just When You’re Screwed Over, Draw a Line in the Sand.

    Forgiveness is one Thing, Something We Should Do,
    Forgiving and Forgetting, Is Healthier For You,
    But Don’t let Things Slide, Because It’s So Easy,
    Not Confronting the Person Who Acted So Sleazy.

    This Can Create, A Bad Situation,
    Setting a Presidence, Giving a Quick Education,
    You Teach People, How To Treat You,
    What You’ll Put Up With, What You Will Do.

    Give Yourself Pride and More Respect,
    ‘Cause I Guarantee You, You’ve Seen Nothing Yet,
    You Don’t Know What They are Capable of Doing,
    But Know This, My Dear, You’ll Be the One Hurting.

    Anyone Who Does Something, You Wouldn’t Do,
    To Them or To Others, Is Not For You,
    Don’t Give Them…..The Benefit of the Doubt,
    Just End the Relationship….And Get Yourself Out!!

    I have written many poems trying to make sense of life and to bring myself some calmness. I read this quote today and I think we would all be better to remember it,

    “Love Is The Selfless Promotion of the Growth of the Other”
    Milton Mayeroff

  13. wow that poems brings it home – its perfect and your words are inspiring – god bless you youre not just a stat your more than that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  14. im 23, have put up with him for 9 months, its difficult to get out and as you will understand; its sure an experience, one we dont deserve but one to make us stronger…

    ive found his character to be interesting, although detrimental – in turn, ive read books and spoken to people in order to gain a better understanding but the courage is within oneself – if Gods bought you to it, He can surely bring you through it and i suppose another proverb wouldnt go amiss i.e. burning flame

  15. “To keep the fire burning brightly, there’s one easy rule: keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other warm and far enough apart — about a finger’s breadth — for breathing room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule.”

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